Throughout my military career, I have had the pleasure of attending dozens of retirement ceremonies for senior officers. Although their stories were different, a common theme seemed to emerge. Many of the officers lost their family along the way or, at the very least, did not spend as much time with their family throughout the years as they could have or should have.
This is evident because their remarks during their ceremonies were filled with lament and phrases such as, “I’m sorry for not being there,” or “Your mom did a great job raising you kids.” Although nobody would argue that a U.S. Army career is demanding and requires a measure of sacrifice, some of the tears and feelings of regret at retirement ceremonies can be avoided.
Responsibilities associated with serving in the Army are too numerous to list. Service members feel an unwavering sense of dedication in the performance of their duties to help keep our nation free. While this is admirable, it also is detrimental if balance is not maintained in an individual’s life.
Two Jobs
No matter what role a soldier plays in the Army, it can feel like the work is never done, and the country is depending on it getting done. Meanwhile, “back at the ranch,” family also is depending on their soldier to do the job.
According to a 2020 demographics profile of active-duty families produced by Military OneSource, 55.8% of active-duty service members have a spouse and/or children. This means that more than half the members of the armed forces will negatively impact the lives of others if they focus exclusively on their military careers.
But, with a constant desire to earn that next promotion not only to bolster their own ego, but also to provide better for their family, the idea of spending time with loved ones often gets lost in the shuffle of deployments, permanent and temporary moves and late nights preparing for the next mission.
Based on the experiences of my 20-year military career, as well as having served in Christian ministry for the past nine years, there is a simple and effective way to maintain balance that will lead to service members having strong families as well as vibrant careers—intentionality.
Be Aware
Soldiers know that twice a year they will be required to weigh in and take a physical fitness test. This awareness results in most soldiers making a conscious decision to eat healthy throughout the year and to exercise regularly. People are intentional about these aspects of their life because they know they will be evaluated on them, and the continuance of their careers partially depends on their ability to have passing scores.
Although the strength of family bonds is not part of the Army evaluation system, it is equally as important as the performance of a service member’s military duties. According to WebMD, being out of balance can have significant effects on your health, including short temper, fatigue, higher stress levels, physical ailments and poor sleep. In addition, a June 2023 Military.com article states that the divorce rate among the military population is 4.8%, higher than the divorce rate of any other career field.
Throughout the years, I have witnessed friends and colleagues fall victim to these effects caused by lack of balance. However, I also have been fortunate enough to have had a few role models who knew the value of balance and did everything in their power to help people on their team achieve this elusive state.
As I watched and learned from them, I realized that the common behavior among former leaders who successfully maintained balance in their lives is the simple and effective act of intentionality. People find a way to do what is important to them by choosing in advance how they will allocate their most precious resource—time. This intentionality may require an individual to get up earlier, watch less television, play fewer video games and even set a goal of leaving work at a set time every day.
Although this may seem challenging to some people, I guarantee that the results are worth it. I have been happily married for over 25 years and have two kids. That doesn’t happen by accident.
My Method
To grow in the relationship with my wife, I intentionally check in with her throughout the day via a phone call or text message, depending on what circumstances allow. At the end of a long day, we spend at least an hour together, engaging in some form of leisure activity around the house.
Once a week, we have a scheduled date night when we can share any major wins or concerns from the week while simultaneously participating in a fun activity. Although we often choose to go out to dinner, date night doesn’t need to be expensive. The outcome is important, not how much money is spent.
For my kids, I block off an hour per week for dedicated time with them. During this period, I do not have my phone or my computer anywhere near me, as I want to be intentional about doing something they enjoy and hearing about their goals, concerns and where they need help from me. Once a quarter, we have a lengthier excursion for at least a full day or sometimes a weekend, where the same rules of exclusivity apply. I have done this with my kids for the past 15 years, resulting in incredible memories.
As a family, I intentionally budget time and money to enable us to celebrate important occasions together. This includes obvious events like birthdays, anniversaries and national holidays, but also incorporates activities important to my kids, like their football games or music recitals. My goal as a father and husband is to honor my family, showing them how important they are to me.
Excellence at Work
In the performance of my job, I intentionally schedule time for each major task I want to complete each week. If I happen to have spare time during the day, the immediate question I ask myself is, “What is the highest and best use of my time right now?” I serve in many roles, and this strategy allows me to get my work done, and, more importantly, do it with excellence.
Finally, the linchpin activity for me is an intentional day of rest, also known as a sabbath. When I became a pastor, my sabbath shifted from Sunday to Friday, but the premise is the same. It is natural and good to want to work hard during the week, but it is critical to take a day to recharge by doing something that brings a sense of refreshment and renewal.
Finding balance in life can be elusive. I promise, the reward is worth it. I hope you now have some helpful ideas on how to get started and, more importantly, why you should.
Lt. Col. Paul McCullough, U.S. Army retired, served 20 years in the Army, retiring in 2018. He currently serves as an executive pastor at Calvary Church, Delran, New Jersey; an adjunct professor at Drexel University, Philadelphia; a columnist for At Ease! Veterans Magazine; and an Army Reserve Ambassador. He is president of the Association of the U.S. Army’s Penn & Franklin-Greater Philadelphia Chapter. He holds a Doctor of Business Administration from Walden University.