WASHINGTON, Oct. 10 -- Unconditional love, compassion, community, and friendship were some of the themes of the final Family Forum in Washington . In one of the more personal and emotionally poignant sessions of the Association of the United States Army’s Annual Meeting, mothers of two fallen soldiers and an ROTC college cadet discussed their journeys toward rediscovering a sense of purpose and meaning after the loss of a child.
“Sending a child to war is an experience that has no expression,” said Deborah Tainsh, author of “Heart of a Hawk: One family’s sacrifice and journey towards healing.” Tainsh’s son Sgt. Patrick Tainsh joined the Army in 1999 at age 29. He later deployed to Iraq with the 2nd Armored Cavalry Regiment. On Feb. 11, 2004, Patrick was killed by a roadside bomb.
Tainsh said she learned to “embrace with open hearts the spouses of parents of the fallen.” She mentioned how important the Tragedy Assistance Program for Survivors (TAPS) had been to her and her husband in working through their grief. Today, Tainsh speaks to Army groups around the country raising awareness of TAPS and volunteering for the program. She also hopes her book will help parents in similar situations feel more connected to others who have experienced such tragic loss.
Mrs. Carol Graham lost two sons within an eight month period – Kevin was a senior ROTC cadet when he took his own life and Jeffrey was a second lieutenant leading a foot patrol in Iraq when he was killed by an IED on Feb. 19, 2004.
Since their sons’ deaths, the Grahams have found meaning in their volunteer work. They speak at Army events, raising awareness about the dangers of depression (which claimed their youngest son’s life) and PTSD, said Mrs. Graham. “Pain is the price we pay for being alive,” Graham noted, but added that they have found purpose through their connections with other Army families who’ve experienced loss and their speaking engagements at deployments and redeployments.
The women offered advice on how to approach a parent who has lost a soldier. “Don’t’ shy away from us,” said Tainsh. She also added that the loss of a child is equally tragic, regardless of the number of children a parent may have.
Other parents discussed how they deal with the vagaries of deployment, particularly reintegration, by providing unconditional love and support throughout the entire deployment process. Sgt. Maj. Bruce Stowe and his son Spc. Darrin Stowe of the Minneapolis National Guard discussed their involvement in the “Beyond the Yellow Ribbon” reintegration program, which helps single and married soldiers and their families help ease soldiers’ anxiety about returning home. One good thing parents can do, said Bruce Stowe, is spend meaningful time with their newly returned soldier, encourage them, and ask their permission before offering advice.
POC:
John Grady
Director of Communications
Association of the United States Army
703-907-2613
jgrady@ausa.org